Moms The Word

April 6, 2007

When Toddlers Attack

Filed under: Family, Life, Things I Find Amusing — mrslady @ 5:39 pm

A Guide to Your Toddler

Toddler (Messimus Maximus): 1.- noun A child between the ages of 2 and 5: “I have a toddler”  2.-noun A humanlike whirlwind of food and sharp objects: “That mess in the living room came from my toddler”

Origion of Toddlers: Babies. While deceptively cute looking and nice smelling, one day you will wake up and your baby will have transformed into a toddler-definition number two.  You will wake up to find them in the middle of the livingroom/kitchen/doghouse in a mess of their own making-usually involving food or bodily functions.  This is the first sign that you have a toddler.  Your toddler’s natural smell will be similar to that of manuer and curdled milk. 

Care of your toddler:  You will need to feed your toddler, however you must be careful and patient.  Many toddlers will rake the food you provide through their hair rather than putting it in their mouth.  Research is currently underway to determine whether toddlers in fact eat through their scalps.  Also-it may be difficult to catch a toddler long enough to feed them.  They may not run fast but they hide well.  When and if your toddler sits down to eat you may find that they are extremely picky and will eat nothing except one food item, usually cookies.  This leads to scurvy and other diseases.  It is your job to ensure that they eat balanced meals.  Tying them down is not acceptable.

In addition to feeding them you will also have to clean them (see above “natural smell of toddlers”) several times a day.  You will constantly need to wipe them down.  I recommend you carry handiwipes with you, and give them two showers a day.  Or buy a hose.

You will also need to entertain them.  Contrary to popular belief, toddlers are not long or often distracted by shiny objects unless they are large and have ends that could be used for eye gouging or reaching into light sockets.  Should you not entertain them, they will immediately begin creating their own anarchist system.  Not entertaining them also proves especially dangerous should you be brave enough to have more than one at a time.  Toddlers will form communities and become their own society-a la Lord of the Flies-which makes them especially dangerous to themselves and others.

Do not forget that along with feeding, cleaning, and entertaining them you will also be required to clothe them and provide room and board for them for approximately the next 15-20 years.

Toddler Safety:  If you have any giant plastic bubbles laying around, feel free to utilize them, although they may not prove very effective.  Toddlers have the ability to turn anything into a weapon.  It is not uncommon for teddy bears, playdough, buttons, sporks, and other common items to develop sinister uses in the hands of a child between the ages of 2 and 5.  You must watch them constantly and practice saying “NO” in a voice that causes alarm.

DANGERS OF DOMESTICATING A TODDLER:  Loss of outside interests, Loss of waistline, Loss of Sleep, Loss of Sanity, Loss of privacy, Loss of “being fun/interesting”

BENEFITS/REWARDS OF HAVING A TODDLER:  A lifetime supply of Love, Hugs, Kisses, Laughter, Macaroni Art, Mother’s/Father’s Day Cards, and a hope of someday recieving Grandchildren

When asked to share their experiences having a toddler all parents report that it is nerve wracking, frustrating, scary-and worth it.

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But really-I LOVE my son.  He is an exceptionally well behaved 3 year old-when in perspective with other 3 year olds.  But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have his moments.

Do you know what it sounds like when a Yetti gets it’s finger slammed in a car door?  I imagine something like the sound my son makes when I tell him he can’t call China on the cordless phone, or he can’t have a 6th peanut butter and jelly for lunch.  (Have you ever seen PBJ & puke?  You wouldn’t be giving it to him either if you had.) It is probably also comparable with the sound of naptime, bathtime, bedtime, and I’m-so-sleepy-I-don’t-wanna-go-to-bed.

He’s sweet though.  And thoughtful.  Sometimes he’s so affectionate he actually turns into static cling.  I don’t care how much you love your child(ren) no one wants to go to the bathroom with a toddler on their lap, being patted on the head, and being reassured by their child.

“Good job!  Good job!  Gooooooood mommy!  What a good mommy!  Mommys a BIG BOY!”

That’s right-go mommy go!  Of course, my neighbors can hear me being potty trained by my son because he CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE.  EVERYTHING HE SAYS SOUNDS LIKE HE IS SPEAKING THROUGH A BULL HORN.  TO HIM, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HE’S SAYING AS LONG AS HE IS YELLING IT.  I’m surprized you haven’t heard him from your house (Yes, your house-in Texas/Pennsylvania/New York/Jamaica.)

I’m trying to chalk it up to another phase-funny how kids get out of one and straight into another-you know, the three year old one?  But it’s also because he’s adjusting to hubby being on the road for work so much.  Here are some things I learned, and some solutions I found for my static clinging yetti.

-Find something they like that will hold their attention.  It sounds simple enough…..yet can be so difficult sometimes.  The whims of children are hard to predict.  Usually I start the morning by going through a list of things I am willing to do that day and seeing which ones catch his interest.

-Learn/do something new.  New things are always a big hit-at least at my house.  Play a new game, learn a new song-but whatever it is, make sure it’s something that you can live with hearing 500 times.

And last but not least-

-*Nap time is the right time* to regain your sanity.  Read a book.  Soak your feet.  Watch TV.  Bake cookies.  Blog-we all know you do!  The house will still be there for you to clean it later-before dinner or after bedtime.  Taking that little bit of time in the middle of the day gives you your own personal oasis.

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March 4, 2007

Scavanger Hunt

Filed under: Fun Stories, Random Musings, Things I Find Amusing — mrslady @ 11:46 pm
Do you know what searches are leading people to my page?  “Works for Me Wednesdays” “Pancake Coloring Page” and “Recipes for Cooking Broccli”.   Only one of them makes sense. [ “works for me wednesday”  I get. ]

Here’s a challenge::can anyone find the words “Pancake Coloring Page”?  ANYWHERE?  Cause I don’t remember writing them.

Oh well, I’m off to google it and see if I can find myself.  Ha Ha Ha.

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